So … let’s put a big laser into my eyes

I have been wearing glasses since I was a little boy - and with a pretty strong prescription too. I am pretty sure it is genetic. My father has glasses - the big thick coke bottle glasses that are so heavy that they have to be held together with metal wireframes and held up with pads.

So literally since I can remember, I have been wearing glasses. Got so used to them that I could not imagine life without them. Jonathan has always been the kid with the glasses. And people have been telling me since I was in elementary that they made me look smart.

So it was a big change a few days ago when I went and had a laser flash into my eyes twice for 65 seconds.

Why?!

There were a few things that made me want to do it. First, my manager at work was talking about it during a team lunch. She had LASIK done on her eyes 15 years ago and she could not more highly recommend it. She said that it was “life changing”.

At the same time, I had been talking with a friend of mine online about all the possibilities and research. I shall call this friend “Jennie”. I met her at App Academy and she is wicked smart. Probably is the biggest hypochondriac that I know of. She has been deeply interested in the procedure for a long time and has been talking to me nonstop about it for months. Once I heard my manager recommend it, I started asking Jennie to clarify a lot of what she has already been saying to me.

Doubly lucky, Jennie has done all the heavy lifting in terms of talking to the right people. Here’s a bunch of research that I gleaned from her.

Background and Research

So what is Lasik?

LASIK is a form of surgery in where they fire lasers into your eyes to do stuff to them. They cut a flap in your eye’s cornea and then they use that access to adjust the rest of your eye (what they actually do I am not sure and honestly don’t want to know. Jennie told me but I don’t remember). Then they fix they flap and you are as good as new.

What is wrong with Lasik?

Well, it’s the flap. They cut a hole in your eye, bro.

• Dry eye is a possibility because nerves are cut
• Instability because the flap can always flip over or fold
• The surgery itself is a little more dangerous

So what’s the alternative?

PRK is an older version of LASIK and it addresses many of the issues that LASIK has. It works sort of like this:

• They scrape away the cells at the top of the eye to expose the cornea
• They reshape the cornea then with the laser
• They put a contact lens on the eye as a “bandaid”

It is a technically safer surgery than LASIK because you are not cutting anything and there is no flap to have to deal with. The main problem with PRK is that the recovery time is much longer. It takes up to 5-7 days whereas with LASIK you can be up and ready by the end of the day.

Here is a great article that Jennie sent me that explains a lot of the differences.

Jennie also recommended me the doctor she would use - a Dr. James Abrams out in San Bruno. There was another one that she said I should call but her tone made it clear to me that I should go to Abrams and not bother with anyone else. So I had her make me an intro and I walked in on a Saturday morning. The actual consult was pretty simple. I knew I wanted PRK but they made the choice easy for me. I could only qualify for that procedure. I was definitely hesitating because it seemed like a big life changing thing but I signed the dot for the following Saturday. Jennie went nuts. She thought I was crazy for doing it so fast. Many other people were the same. But I figured why the hell not? Better now than never.

What The Actual Surgery Was Like

It actually was super fast and simple. The helper dude walked in and talked to me about the post-op procedure. He says that I should use these two eyedrops about 4 times a day for the first couple weeks. The only thing that I could think to myself was, “Holy smokes that’s a lot of eye dropping there fella.” But I got over that pretty quick and just moved on with the show stopper.

They said that they were ready for me so I walked into this sorta clean room that didn’t look all that much different from a dentist room other than there’s big huge machine in the middle that looked like one of those escape pods in Star Trek.

Dr. Abrams is a friendly man with a mustache. He looks exactly as he looks in that picture on the website. He told me in a friendly voice that I should lie down on the bed and then they’re going to get right started.

Okay then.

First, they tell me that they are going to put some numbing eye drops on my eyes. Drop drop, that did not take very long. It was actually just pretty quick.

Then Dr. Abrams was like, “Alright Jonathan I am going to put this eyepatch on your left eye. Now I am going to put this little spreader here on your right eye so that it doesn’t blink, okay?”

I didn’t say a word. The attendant puts this little plastic white thing that spreads open my Asian eyes.

“Okay now, I am going to warm the machine up. You may hear a loud noise. This is the machine getting ready.”

It is not like an urbane “click click click”. No this is like a monster “BWOM BWOM BWOM” like the clattering footsteps of the AT-ATs in Empire Strikes Back.

“Okay, now I am going to position this over your eye. Do you see the blinking red light?”

I nod. I see it. Yes I see it.

“Keep looking at that red light, okay?”

Yes, oh God yes I am not going to look at anything. I am going to be like this because who knows what would happen if I start looking around!

“Okay then, let’s get started …”

Then suddenly everything goes all psychedelic. All sorts of flashing blue lights all around me. Flash flash flash. Blue, green, yellow. Flash flash flash. It looks exactly like the below:

Yes, it looks exactly like the wormhole travel scene in the movie Interstellar.

The red light starts going out of focus. It starts vanishing, lost in the blue light. NOOO DON’T GO AWAY RED LIGHT. I am like this:

I felt like Rose in Titanic: “NEVER LET GO!” Jesus, Jonathan whatever you do don’t look away from the red light. Keep your eyes on the red light. NEVER LOSE THE RED LIGHT!

The whole thing is about 65 seconds and the whole time the attendant is counting off.

“35 seconds …”

NEVER LET GO!!!

And all the while the machine is making this BWOM BWOM BWOM sound and it is driving me insane.

“25 seconds …”

My eye starts feeling warm. What the hell is going on?! I don’t know but I am sure as hell not going to look at anything else to find out.

“10 seconds …”

PARADISE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LIGHT!

“Okay done, that went perfectly, Jonathan!”

Jesus. WTF just happened?

“Okay now for the other eye …”

Oh my God.

What the Recovery Feels Like

OH this is the hard part because I am still going through it. The actual first day you are okay because the drugs are still in effect and you are not really noticing that much. People were worried that I was not going to be able to go home but I easily called an Uber and got home fine.

The first day they tell you to take it easy and avoid the sunlight. I am okay for Friday.

Saturday my eyes are watering like crazy. I can’t open them. I can’t really do anything with them other than let them water like crazy. I have to do these drops of medication on my eyes and they are okay but it doesn’t really feel like they are helping. I also need to put in moisturizing eyedrops too but they don’t feel like they are helping.

I had to go to a 1-day checkup, but that meant going through into the sun … It was one of the most torturous things ever. All that sunlight flashing through into your eyes, causing them irritation and then you start crying. And because your eyes are watering and they are connected to your nose, your nose stuffs up and you are crying like a little girl.

Sunday I go to the darkest part of the house - my bathroom - and sit in the tub fully clothed with my eyes closed. I am listening to podcasts and trying to just sleep. But I am suffering from insomnia lately and it has been driving me insane. I just stay awake listening to voices and looking at the blacks of my eyelids. Needless to say it was boring.

The next few days have been better. The progress from Sunday to Monday is remarkable. I can start seeing stuff but it is still a little blurry. Monday to Tuesday is a little better. Tuesday to Wednesday is a little better. I am told that it takes a lot longer to recover to full eyesight. I hope it comes sooner than later. But I can now look at the screens of computers. People seem to like how I look better than with glasses. I kinda like it.

Life Changing Progress Takes Time …

Until then I still am going to look like an idiot.